A journal entry from September 14, 2024, written while grieving Casey.
Waking Up Feeling Blue
Waking up feeling blue.
It hasn’t happened in a while.
A nonexistent smile.
I am cold, my heart frozen.
Heaviness. A closing.
You’re gone now, and the food is the only thing in the house to ease my pain. The only thing that is everywhere and legal.
The food obsession is filling your void, more like curing a sickness. It’s the Robitussin making me trip, telling me it’s helping the pain.
It’s feeling nauseous because I had too much, then falling asleep.
It’s knowing it’s right there, and it, too, will satisfy me like a kiss on the lips or the nose or cheek.
But the pain is real and honest. It’s not leaving.
And neither is the food.
The option is UGLY, but it’s time to move on now.
- Time to pick up.
- Finish this journey.
- Clean house.
- Rework your structure.
People, places, things.
AA.
How Sad I Truly Am
I am terrified to actually realize how sad I truly am.
I am getting it tonight. I miss my angel so much that I don’t want to get too close to it. I don’t want to talk to her too much or watch too many movies of her. That’s what you do for the dead.
She really will never be dead to me.
I just miss the ever-living shit out of her and don’t want to do the shit.
The facts are, I am tired. I am not as equipped as I thought I was to lose Casey. I can’t do this on my own.
I have God, and He is good. He also made man to provide me the help I need on Earth.
And right now, I need to do something. I need to heal.
Got to get out to get in.
Because Brooks 