There’s nothing better than having someone explain what’s going on in your transformation. Or even just tell you that you’re transforming.
Because I have been feeling fucked up lately.
I’ve been wanting to sit and listen to podcasts. Take notes. Learn. Taking notes is exhausting for me, and I don’t even know exactly why I’m doing it. But it’s something I feel led to do, so I’m doing it.
And I am learning. I love that.
But there’s this pull, and then a push, and then a pull again. It is not the most comfortable feeling.
So to have someone like John remind me that I’m going through a transition, that this is something I have to move through, is such a relief.
It may not be comfortable. But it’s necessary.
The caterpillar and its shoes
I went in feeling weird. I’d already had the whole shenanigans and hooligans of getting there, including stressing about my tires.
Then I had to admit I hadn’t been feeling like I was in the flow. Something wasn’t connecting. I wasn’t feeling as connected as I wanted to be.
And then we started talking.
John explained it with a caterpillar.
Imagine a caterpillar going through life worried about all its shoes. How many shoes does it have? Does it have enough shoes before winter? Where is it going to get its greens?
That’s its life. Those are its concerns.
Meanwhile, it has no idea that soon it’ll be a beautiful butterfly.
It’s not going to need all those shoes.
And I think that is so cool.
I love clothes shopping. It gives me joy. But for me, the caterpillar’s shoes are probably more like lotions. Face masks. The weird shit I order off Instagram.
How many freaking things can you order off Instagram?
And maybe it’s not that I won’t be able to enjoy any of it. It’s that I’m becoming someone for whom all that stuff might not matter so much.
It feels good to know I’m ever changing. Ever evolving.
Somewhere in the dissolving
I am a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, and it is not an easy process.
Growing into whatever the universe has created me to be did not come with a textbook. I don’t have a neat set of rules or solutions. I’m trusting the process, and I believe the universe is working in my favor.
But getting to that free-butterfly stage involves dissolving.
I imagine the butterfly looking at the caterpillar, with all those legs, down on the ground eating crunchy greens, and thinking: What is that? What an alien!
And the caterpillar looks up at the butterfly and sees something beautiful without realizing that’s what it’s becoming.
I love thinking about that in terms of our Earth journey. Our Earth party.
We live through different eras within one lifetime. Different parts of us dissolve at different times. We have rebirths while we’re still here.
And I’m grateful to have people who can help guide me through mine. Mentors. My sponsor. People who can remind me I’m a-okay, sister, even when I don’t feel particularly a-okay.
A different kind of social butterfly
I used to be such a social butterfly.
All the AA meetings. Dinners afterward. Retreats. Little outings. I loved connecting with people. That was where I got so much of my fuel.
Lately, I want to be at home listening to something spiritual, cooking a good meal, exercising, doing yoga.
I love church. I love the ceremonial things at Annie’s on the weekends. If it’s spiritual, I’m there.
Connection still fuels me. But so much of that connection lately has been with my angels, my spirit team, my higher power.
For a while, I didn’t feel such a close connection with Spirit. Now it’s like we’re married.
And I love being married to Spirit.
Which is funny, because I’ve never been entirely sure about marriage. I do like to keep some options open.
But I also know I need both: connection with people and connection with Spirit. It’s about balance.
I’m in love with my spirit team. I’m in love with this process. And this process is not for the faint of heart.
The stakes are personal for me. One time I overdosed. Another time I had a heart attack while I was drinking and doing cocaine.
So recognizing that I’m in a difficult transition matters to me. Having support matters to me.
This time, I want to move through the dissolving differently.
Ever evolving
My sponsor was talking the other day about how we’re all ever evolving.
Ain’t that the truth, sister?
And then she reminded me that everyone around us is evolving, too. We have to respect that.
I can get so caught up in what’s happening inside me that I need that reminder.
The good times pass. The bad times pass. We win, we lose, we win again. So much of life is in how we recover and what we do next.
I don’t know, man. It’s cool shit.
And it feels good to have someone remind me that it’s not always going to feel like this.
I’m learning on my own terms. I’m finding my balance. I’m still becoming.
And the butterfly isn’t going to need all those shoes.
